Saturday, August 29, 2009

Why Bob Gainey Will Not Appoint a Captain

Hockey is a game of instinct and reaction, of vision and sensation. It's a beautiful chaos, which is probably why the rules with which we attempt to harness it are the unspoken ones as often as they are the ones officially recorded in the referee's handbook. Some things, any hockey player will tell you, are just understood. Among those understandings, in Montreal, is that the players choose their own captain.

From the Rocket, through Beliveau, the Pocket Rocket, Cournoyer, Savard, Carbonneau and Koivu, some of the greatest, longest-standing captains in team history were all selected for leadership by their teammates. The fact that that trust was bestowed on them by their own colleagues was important to them. And it was because of that choice on their part that the players trusted, respected and accepted those captains. Bob Gainey knows this better than anyone, not because he was elected captain of the Canadiens by his teammates, but because he wasn't.

Gainey was appointed by coach Bob Berry, and the decision to bypass the players in selecting the captain made Gainey's transition into the role a difficult one for him and for his teammates. Here's how Larry Robinson described the situation in 1988, seven years after Gainey's appointment:

"Truth to be told, it seemed that Berry instinctively got off on the wrong foot with his very first act of authority, appointing Bob Gainey captain of the team after Serge Savard formally announced his retirement in August, 1981. We ourselves couldn't have picked a better man to replace Serge as captain than Bob Gainey but we never were given the chance. The various possible candidates for the job would have included the Flower, Guy Lapointe and myself, but none of us was the type of leader who would wear the C with the distinction of Savard, Yvan Cournoyer, Henri Richard and Jean Beliveau. All of these men had been elected by their peers, as Bob Gainey surely would have been. But that was taken away from us and there was resentment in the room. When the press conference was called to make the announcement, Bo wore a three-piece suit. The rest of his teammates wore jeans and polo shirts in a subtle protest.

The captain of the Montreal Canadiens always has been a players' player. While he may be used for two-way message traffic between players and management, he was always seen as a player first, a management messenger second... I can't say often enough that Bob Gainey turned out to be a magnificent leader and captain, a leader on the ice and off. But the players had the impression that someone in management just didn't trust us to have the good sense to elect him ourselves. Going into the 1981-82 season, there were a few noses out of joint."

Of course, now we can all agree with Robinson that Gainey was the player the team probably would have selected anyway, and he ended up being a great captain on a team with a history of great captains. But the start of his tenure with the C was unnecessarily difficult because of Berry's decision to appoint him. Gainey undoubtedly remembers that.

And that's Bob Gainey we're talking about. When he became captain, he'd already won four Stanley Cups, four Selke trophies and a Conn Smythe. He was recognized around the league for his leadership and dedication, and was acknowledged as the best defensive forward in NHL history. He was a career Hab, starting his ninth season in Montreal, when he became captain. If he experienced resentment from his teammates when he was handed the C, can you imagine what a guy like Mike Cammalleri or Scott Gomez would get if they became captain without even having played a game in the CH?

The captain's role may be largely symbolic when it comes to what happens on the ice these days. Even in the dressing room, players understand everyone has to accept a share of leadership within the team. But when hard times hit, and the emotional side of the game takes over, players...and fans too...still look to the captain for guidance. In Montreal, he has to be the guy who stands there after the game and answers the tough questions. And when things aren't going in the Canadiens' favour on the ice, he's the one who has to take the team by the throat and get a little more out of it. To do that effectively he's got to have the trust of his teammates, and as we know, trust is a gift that must be given freely.

Bob Gainey knows that, and that's why I can't imagine him appointing the captain and putting some other player through a version of what he experienced in his own ascension to the captaincy of the Canadiens.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Speed Kills

Yesterday I saw some of the candidates for Team Canada in the upcoming Olympics give interviews about their experience at the orientation camp in Calgary this week. The one thing they all mentioned, smiling through gasping breaths, was the speed at which Mike Babcock organizes practices. The players said they hit the ice at top speed from the first moment and never let up until they got off the ice. One of the other coaches...Lindy Ruff, I think...commented that "that's the only speed Mike knows." Babcock himself said if you want to be competitive with the best, you have to be in top condition.

It reminds me of all the stories you hear about the great '70s dynasty Habs teams. I've mentioned here before that I spoke with several members of the 1977 Canadiens a couple of years ago, while I was working on a 30th-anniversary retrospective of what I believe is the greatest hockey team ever assembled. The players from that team, even decades later, still have several things in common. One of them is the rueful memory of the way Scotty Bowman ran practices...at top speed. Here's what Rick Chartraw told me back then:

"I remember a funny story one time. I think it may have been a playoff game. It was the morning skate and we were playing Boston that night, and Boston was in town. We skated in the morning at ten o'clock and the other team would go on the ice at eleven o'clock for a warm up. Gerry Cheevers was sitting on the visitor's side of the rink at the Forum, watching us go through our morning skate. We had Kenny in one net and Bunny in the other. And the guys were just ripping shots at every corner, over shoulders, between legs, not taking anything off of them. And Gerry Cheevers...I was standing next to the boards...said, "The way you guys abuse your goaltenders, I'm gonna be sick." And we didn't think we were abusing them, and our goaltenders didn't either. It was their job to be challenged whether it was in practice or in games, to the nth degree. It was the way we did things. We did things at full throttle, whether it was practice or games. I think that's what made the games, for us...not easy...but easy to play at that level because we just always played at that level, whether it was practice or games."

Bowman did it and won. Babcock studied under Bowman, he does it and wins. Jacques Martin has the speed weapon in his arsenal and, as we know, it can be a very deadly weapon indeed. But if he's going to take best advantage of it, he's got to be like Babcock and Bowman and keep the team moving at full throttle every single time they're on the ice. The only way a team can effectively pass, make plays and shoot at top speed is if it does it every day at practice until it becomes automatic.

In the last couple of seasons, I've had a chance to sit in on a couple of Habs practices. The thing that stood out for me both times (aside from Plekanec being first on the ice and last off on both occasions) was the great amount of time the players spent standing around. They ran some drills, but there were long stretches while some players were involved and others were just watching. I don't remember any stretch in which all the players were running at full speed for a sustained period. The lack of speed in practice actually surprised me because I remembered reading in Larry Robinson's book about how the team, including Guy Carbonneau, was bitterly opposed to Bob Berry's coaching in the early '80s, in large part because of the slow, boring practices he ran. The holdovers from the '70s had been taught practices mirror a team's game performance and slow practices would lead to slow games. Judging by the games we watched last year, with the speedsters looking like they were skating in mud and all the missed passes, I'd say there's a deep truth in that theory.

Jacques Martin's got an exceptionally fast group of forwards (with a couple of notable exceptions in Laraque and Latendresse, but even Gui is picking it up) with an exceptional lack of height on his team right now. As they say, you can't hit what you can't catch, and if the Canadiens are flying at top speed, they're going to be very, very hard to catch. It's up to the coach to make that happen. And if Martin's smart, which I think he is, that'll start with some upbeat, dedicated practices. If speed is to be the weapon of choice, it's best to have it primed and ready at all times. No more standing around, Jacques!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

44 Down: Czech Mate

Have you ever noticed that in most crossword puzzles, there's a long word in the middle of the grid that supports the rest of the puzzle? It's the foundation word, and the other words all connect to it somehow. If the Habs were a crossword, the foundation word would be something like this: _ O M A _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _, and the clue would be "44 Across: Czech-born skater, whose rebound could make the difference in the Canadiens' season." If you started to write "Tomas Plekanec," though, I hope you're doing the puzzle in pencil.

There are many Canadiens who need to erase last year's injury-plagued, underperforming season with a fresh start, perhaps none more than Roman Hamrlik. The Hammer came to Montreal shrouded in doubt two seasons ago. He was Bob Gainey's premier free agent acquisition, in the wake of Sheldon Souray's painful departure, and became the second-highest-paid player on the team. Everyone knew he wouldn't replace Souray's cannon on the PP, but there was some hope he'd be able to stablize a rather porous defence and maybe help young Ryan O'Byrne adjust to the big time.

He was so much better than that, though. Hamrlik, on many nights, was the best Habs defenceman on the ice. He was a rock in his own end and moved the puck out of trouble calmly and efficiently just about every time he had the chance. And while playing a ton of big minutes, he also supported the inexperienced play of O'Byrne and covered up the stinky brainfarts of the Breezer. The 5.5 million bucks a year looked like a bargain. Then, last year happened. Everything that went so well for Hamrlik and the team in The Good Season completely went into the dumper last year.

I think one of the biggest issues the team had last season was its weak defensive play in its own end, and that started with the defencemen. As a group, they failed to clear opponents from the front of the net, and the puck from their own zone. They gave up forty-plus shots on way too many occasions and they got beaten by speed embarrassingly often. The "highlight" of Ovechkin blowing by Hamrlik, even though that particular play wasn't all the Hammer's fault, still haunts my dreams. As does Hamrlik passing the puck directly to Michael Ryder in the final game of last spring's wretched playoff. Of course, Ryder was right in the slot when the giveaway happened, and he blasted it smartly past Price. Even worse, that wasn't even the first time Hamrlik had made the exact same play last season. Suddenly, the 5.5 million started to stink a bit and the contract began to resemble something that rhymes with "schmalbatross."

There are a lot of questions about whether Andrei Kostitsyn will break out this year, and whether Tomas Plekanec will rebound. The team needs the newcomers, especially Scott Gomez and Brian Gionta, to earn their money and put up the points. But the fact remains that no matter how well the forwards perform either individually or as a group, it all starts with defence. Mike Cammalleri said today that one of the reasons why he signed with Montreal was because of the puck-moving defencemen on the roster. He named Andrei Markov and Hamrlik specifically. That's because the forwards can be as fast and slick as they want, but they're not going to be able to use those skills to maximum advantage without a smart, mobile defence that can get the puck moving smoothly forward. The D starts the play, more often than not, and if it can't, the forwards are crippled.

That's why Hamrlik's the most important rebound candidate on the team right now. If a forward slumps, he's got eleven other guys to take the heat off him. If a D who plays more than a period per game is struggling, the whole team suffers. The funny thing is, Hamrlik put up more points last year than he did in his first season in Montreal, and his plus/minus wasn't that different...but he wasn't the same in his own zone. He gave the puck away and didn't recover as quickly as he needed to on too many occasions. He was productive on the scoreboard, but not dependable in the defensive zone. And while his own points totals climbed, I think some of the reason why the forwards' totals fell almost universally was because of the weaker play in the team's own end, starting with Hamrlik. In The Good Season, Hammer was the one who'd chase down a dump-in, avoid the forechecker and neatly pass the puck out of trouble to a skating forward. Many times, that would translate to a couple of forward passes and a goal. Hamrlik might not have recorded an assist on the play, but he was often the one who started the rush. Last season, his forward passes were made with less conviction and were often intercepted. Hamrlik was much less of a factor in the offense of the team, even as his personal stats increased.

The thing is, Hamrlik is a Hab for the foreseeable future. He's 35, and his cap-heavy deal isn't making him all that attractive to other teams. Right now, he's the Habs second-highest paid D behind Markov. If he's going to account for that much of the cap and that many minutes on the ice, he's got to earn it. Last year's effort from him wasn't good enough. I know he was probably thrown by the swirling rumours of his involvement with an alleged mobster, and there were rumours that he was nursing a broken foot through the latter part of the season and the playoffs. But those are excuses. He's being paid for his ability to be a rock on defence, and he's got to step up and be that rock like he did two years ago. We know he can do it. We've seen it. We need to see it again, or someday soon his crossword clue will be "44 Down: Biggest waste of contract space on the Habs' roster."

Monday, August 24, 2009

Try a Little Tenderness

Two years ago I arrived in Montreal for the Canadiens' third home game of the season, against the Buffalo Sabres. (Incidentally, the game in which Kyle Chipchura scored his first NHL goal, but I digress.) Anyway, as the taxi headed away from Trudeau on its route downtown, I was struck by the sheer magnitude of Canadiens advertising everywhere. I mean, I knew hockey is the only game in town in Montreal, so the fact that Habs' logos were pervasive didn't surprise me. But the "faces" the team had chosen for its blanket marketing campaign did. Instead of pushing Captain Koivu or Andrei Markov, the team's best player, the team decided to go young and go local. So the larger-than-life images of Chris Higgins, Maxim Lapierre, Guillaume Latendresse and the traitor were everywhere that season. I could understand Higgins and the traitor...they were former first-round draft picks who seemed to represent the future of the team. But Lapierre and Latendresse baffled me. Except for being local boys, they really hadn't proven much in the NHL. In half a season the year previous, Lapierre had tallied just twelve points. Latendresse fared slightly better, with 29 points in 80 games. It didn't surprise me when Lapierre went to Hamilton out of training camp, embarrassing the team's marketing people. Latendresse, however, managed to hang on and match his rookie season's goal total.

Now, here we are two years later with Higgins and the traitor collecting paycheques elsewhere. Lapierre seems to have found a new gear to his game and it looks like the third-line centre job on the big team is his to lose. Latendresse, though, is still something of a mystery. Can he be a real power forward? Is he a top-six guy? Can he eventually find a way to put all his tools together and carve out a permanent role for himself? Of all the players I want to see succeed this season, Latendresse is right up at the top of the list.

I have to admit, Gui has never been one of my particular favourites among the Habs of the last few years. He's always seemed sort of nondescript to me. He was a big man who didn't really use his body that much. And he was a guy with soft hands who didn't light it up much either. He wasn't a great skater and not much of a fighter. He had the size to be dangerous in front of the net, but never really went where he needed to go to be effective. He's always been the guy who was too good for junior but not quite good enough for the NHL and who didn't qualify for anything in between.

It's been a bit of a hard road for him, though, despite the snide comments from fans and media about his having been handed a job in the NHL without really earning it. At one point, he was ranked in the top ten overall in draft projections for his year. A shoulder injury, poor world junior tournament and a concussion in the two seasons before his draft saw him drop out of the top fifty junior players on Central Scouting's list. Still, he showed up at his first pro camp raring to go, and he scored two PP goals and assisted on another in his very first pre-season game. At that point, the expectations...already high for a big francophone kid with hands...started to really take off. It didn't lower the bar any when fans started chanting "Gui! Gui! Gui!" at him, reminiscent of the adoration showered down on the great Guy Lafleur thirty years earlier. So, Latendresse had a great camp but ended up going back to junior. He came into Montreal a year later and did it again. The team at that point really had no choice but to keep in the NHL.

So there he was, nineteen years old, the first teenager to crack the Canadiens lineup in decades. A big local boy into the bargain. He was instantly a hero, without having proven a thing. Unfortunately for him, though, he wasn't really a hero. He wasn't Lafleur, or even anything close. His presence on the team stirred up a wave of adoration and expectation that he couldn't possibly justify with his play on the ice.

But...and this is why I'm rooting for him this year...he's handled himself with a grace well beyond his years in the face of all of that. He calmly dealt with Patrick Roy's public accusation that he was only on the team because he was French. He quietly dealt with fans, without getting a fat head or becoming a notorious party boy. He was told his skating needed work and he needed to lose weight, so he worked like a dog all last summer to make that happen. When you consider Latendresse came out of the same draft as Carey Price, you realize how young he really is. Price is getting every bit of leeway his youth and inexperience allow, but Latendresse, despite having dealt with the pressure and expectations of Montreal's hockey faithful in a much more mature manner than Price has, is rejected out of hand by many when he can't hold down a spot on the first line.

I think Latendresse has the tools to be a really effective NHL player. His goals-per-game total increased last year, and he likely would have cracked the 20 barrier if he'd stayed healthy. He has a really special chemistry with Lapierre, and I think with a good winger on that line, Latendresse has the potential to start making a name for himself this year. I was surprised to see a stat recently that shows Latendresse is the fourth-highest scoring NHL player from his entire draft class, behind only Sidney Crosby, Anze Kopitar, and Paul Stastny. Not bad, I think.

Anyway, I really hope this is Gui's season. He's got the talent and he's got the opportunity. This is his chance to show why the team was right to put his face on all those posters two years ago.

Monday, August 17, 2009

For Your Viewing (Dis)Pleasure


Here he is, in all his glory. Notice how happy he is to be wearing the blue and white? He's positively glowing. I guess you can get lots of expensive facials with five-and-a-half million bucks a year. And I guess the salons are better in Toronto.

My feelings on this matter are best summarized by this seventeenth-century John Henry Dryden ditty:

Farewell Ungrateful Traitor!

Farewell, ungrateful traitor!

Farewell, my perjur'd swain!

Let never injur'd woman

Believe a man again.

The pleasure of possessing

Surpasses all expressing,

But 'tis too short a blessing,

And love too long a pain.

'Tis easy to deceive us

In pity of your pain,

But when we love, you leave us

To rail at you in vain.

Before we have descried it,

There is no joy beside it,

But she that once has tried it

Will never love again.

The passion you pretended

Was only to obtain,

But once the charm is ended,

The charmer you disdain.

Your love by ours we measure

Till we have lost our treasure,

But dying is a pleasure

When living is a pain.

You think John Dryden knew Mike Komisarek?

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Happy Birthday, Mr.President

Awww...our little goalie is growing up so quickly. It seems like only yesterday that Carey Price was a seventeen-year-old shy, lanky draft pick. Now he's heading into his third NHL season and has been through the wringer on his journey from then to now. He's been fat, thin, injured, healthy, an all-star, a hero, a disappointment and a scapegoat booed out of his own rink. He's been both annointed and vilified by the public. His career so far has been so tumultuous it's hard to believe he's just turning 22 today. This morning, I heard an old country song on the radio that made me think of him. "Why don't you love me like you used to do? Why do you treat me like a worn-out shoe? My hair is still curly and my eyes are still blue, so why don't you love me like you used to do?" Habs fans are a fickle bunch, aren't we?

A birthday is always a good time for taking stock of your life and making resolutions about where you want to go. Price certainly has a lot to think about. Now, on the brink of his second season as the Habs' number-one goalie, the hopes of the team are riding on him in a way they haven't really done before. Last year the team was expected to be good enough to cover up any minor mistakes its young goalie might make. But the injuries and poor performances of so many players left Price exposed in a way nobody could have predicted. Every error he made seemed to result in a back-breaking goal against and his confidence plummeted along with his stats.

Now, Bob Gainey has set the team up to give Price the best possible chance to be successful. The defence is generally more mobile and tougher than last year, and will probably manage to keep the shot totals below last season's typical forty. The forwards are faster and able to play a puck-possession, defensively responsible game, designed to keep the puck out of the Habs end as much as possible. Jacques Martin's style of hockey is very goalie-friendly as well, and the new goaltending coach, Pierre Groulx, has a reputation for allowing his charges to work in the style in which they're most comfortable. Management has given Price all the help it can.

The rest of it will be up to him, and it won't be easy. In creating the best possible set of circumstances for Price's improvement, Gainey has also effectively turned the team over to him. After the Summer Purge, nobody knows how all the new players will fit in or who'll emerge in the leadership roles. Price is a constant, and he'll have to be on his game right away while the new guys adjust and find their places on the team. He has to inspire the confidence of his new teammates; they have to know he's there and won't fail them. The Habs have enough adapting to do without worrying about the goalie killing them with poor play. It's a huge responsibility for a guy who's had trouble carrying the load in the past. But the bare truth is this year's team goes only as far as Carey Price can take it. It makes you wonder what he might wish for when he blows out his candles today.

The good news in all of this, however is Price is likely on the cusp of putting his consistency problems behind him and breaking out for real. If you look at other great goaltenders around the league, you can see it's pretty common for a goalie to truly establish himself around his third or fourth NHL season. Patrick Roy had his first really dominant season (33-5-6, 2.47 GAA, .908 SV%) in 1989, his fourth full season when he was 24 years old. Martin Brodeur had a good rookie season, but he first showed Hall of Fame numbers in 1997 (37-15-13, 1.88 GAA, .927 SV%), at age 24, in his fourth full NHL campaign. Roberto Luongo established himself in the league's goaltending elite in 2004 (24-33-14 on a weak Panthers team, 2.43 GAA, .931 SV%) in his fourth full season as an NHL starter, at age 24. Miikka Kiprusoff broke out in 2004 as well (24-10-4, 1.70 GAA, .933 SV%). He was only in his third full NHL season at that point, but he was 27 years old after having spent several early career seasons in Europe. Marc-Andre Fleury put up his best numbers in his third NHL season when he was 23 and won the Cup at 24. And he was the first-overall draft pick in his class.

In other words, Carey Price's development is right on track. In fact, if you look at the other top goalies mentioned, a breakout season this year would put him ahead of the curve those other guys followed. Although, I wonder how Martin Brodeur would have reacted if the faithful in New Jersey booed him out of the rink in his second season? As for the questionable mental toughness and tendency to get discouraged Price has shown in the past, I've decided not to worry about those anymore. Winning cures those problems, and I think the winning will start to come more consistently for him pretty soon.

Now we just have to be patient and let Price's talent and his growing maturity help him develop into the goalie we think he can be. And we need to remember that the weight of the Habs' world is resting on the shoulders of a guy who's just 22 years old today...younger than just about every star goalie's break-out age. It's a heavy burden for someone who's had to grow up so fast, and my birthday wish for Price, and for the Habs, is that he's truly ready to carry it. I want to look back on his 25th birthday and say, "Wow, it's amazing we ever thought Price wouldn't be a superstar," while our biggest worry is how to get tickets to watch the team hoist its newest Cup banner in the fall.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Dream Team Building

Have you ever wondered what really goes on at those team-building getaways the Habs hold every fall? I never did until now, and that's only because the team is such a disconnected group heading into camp. It makes me wonder how on earth they're going to become a cohesive unit in the couple of weeks before the season opens. I imagine they'll be going away on retreat sometime between the end of exhibition games and the first of October. And I imagine it might go something like this:

The Scene: A mountain retreat somewhere north of Montreal, in late September

A middle-aged man with long hair, purple bifocals and a pointy devil-beard called Rafael strolls to the centre of a large conference room that's been cleared of furniture. A circle of uncomfortable-looking large men in sweats watch the leader approach. He steps into the middle of the circle and steeples his fingers while slowly turning and surveying the men in his charge.

Rafael: Hello, gentlemen. My name is Rafael, and over the next few days, I am going to make you into a team. You will hate me before it's over, and you may even cry. But you will be a team.
Mike Cammalleri: (aside to Paul Mara) I pretty much hate him already.
Mara: (snickers)
Rafael: Do you have something you'd like to share with the group, (checks nametag) PAUL?
Mara: Ah...no...carry on. (grins at Cammalleri)
Rafael: Alrighty then. We're going to work in pairs today. I have your names here in this box, and I'll choose random partners. The idea is to get you all to really know a teammate other than the people with whom you'd normally spend your time. So if you get matched with a roommate or a close friend, let me know and we'll choose a different partner. Any questions? Okay then. (rummages in box) First name...Andrei...KO-seet-sin?...Okay, Andrei, step up right here. (rummages again) Your partner will be...Sergei...Koseetsin. Hmmm...are you guys related?
A.Kostitsyn: Nope. I have no brother.
S.Kostitsyn: I meet you at World Championship, no?
A.Kostitsyn: Never, no.
Rafael: (hesitates) Oooo...kaaay. Next pair...Hal Gill. Your partner will be...let me see here...Brian Gionta. We've got Carey Price and Jaroslav Halak. Next...Georges Laraque and Scott Gomez. Andrei Markov and Tomas Plekanec...

Ten minutes of selecting partners pass

Rafael: Okay, you've all got partners now. We're going to start with some basic trust exercises. First, I want one partner to turn his back on the other.
Cammalleri: (in a stage whisper) I wouldn't turn my back on you...
(snickers around the circle, withering glance from Rafael)
Rafael: Then I want you to fall back and let your partner catch you. This will duplicate what happens on the ice, when you must depend on your teammates to be successful. Okay, ready? One...two...three...
Gionta: (wheezes) Gill, you freakin' battleship. Get off me before I crap my pants.
Gill: Sorry man...blame the freak for putting us together.
Gionta: Jeez, don't worry about me...go haul Big Georges off Gomer. I don't think he can breathe.
Rafael: Very good, everyone. Well, mostly. Sergei, you're supposed to actually catch your partner, you know.
Sergei: But so funny when brother...ah, partner...fall on floor.
Rafael: We're not here to be funny, we're here to become a team. Now, we're going to perform a little truth exercise. We can't really bond unless we're honest with one another. I'm going to ask each of you to tell his partner the first thing that comes to mind when you think of him. Let's start with...Andrei and Tomas. Go ahead, Andrei, what's the first thing you think of when you think about your teammate Tomas?
Markov: (shrugs) Um...I guess...leetle girl. Sorry, Pleky. He say tell truth.
Plekanec: Thanks a lot Marky. Nobody will ever forget that, will they?
Markov: You score thirty, we never say "girl" again, okay?
Rafael: Good, good. Now, Tomas, what comes to mind when you think of Andrei?
Plekanec: First thing is probably Komo, I guess. They played together so...
Markov: You don't say that name to me! You take it back! I love Canadiens. That leaf-boy is traitor. All the time I save his ass. Then he go to enemies like Habs bad vodka that make him sick. He make me sick. He says Marky make me player I am. Marky the best. Then he run away? Bah! I am glad he is gone. I maybe get some help now. Maybe somebody else carry puck out for a change. Traitor leaf!

(Entire team stares open-mouthed, having never heard Markov utter more than two consecutive words. After a beat of silence...)

Cammalleri: Hey, Marky, they told me you never shut up, but I didn't believe them.
Gorges: Yeah, shut up, Marky. Let someone else get a word in for a change.
Rafael: Okay, we're getting off track. Let's switch it up. We're going to play a game called Mine Field now. One partner will be blindfolded and the other will guide him through a series of obstacles using only verbal commands. Our first pair will be Jaroslav and Carey. Okay, Carey, here's the blindfold...can you see? Good. Now, Jaroslav, you tell him where to go.
Jaro: Really? I tell Carey where to go? Hahaha...is Bob listening? Haha. (intercepts Rafael's glare) Okay. Pricey, there is a bar in the way. About four feet up. Pretend there is a shot coming from point in about three seconds and drop to the knees. Haha. Just kidding. Crawl under bar. Now, stand up. Turn left, take two steps. Step over fruitcake leader guy blocking the way. Sorry, leader guy. Just kidding. Oh...not high enough. You okay, Pricey? You rolling around like when you got no clue where is the puck. Hahaha...just kidding.
Price: Look, Jaro, it's not my fault, okay? I can't help it if they keep putting me in there no matter what. I think you deserve more time.
Jaro: Really? Aw, man. That make me feel so good. Hey, you need to turn left and take three steps to side or you fall down again. Oops. Other left. Hahaha. Sorry. Really sorry this time.
Rafael: (emerging from back room with a box of foam paddles) Hey, you guys, that's a great breakthrough. I feel you releasing some of your pent-up feelings about each other and your roles on the team. Let's keep that going. I want everyone to take one of these paddles. We're going to vent some frustration. In this exercise, I want you to approach someone who's bothered you in some way, or with whom you've got an unspoken frustration. And, this may be shocking, but I want you to hit him with your paddle, while you tell him what's on your mind. Then, when the problem has been verbalized, I want you to go off to a quiet place and talk it out. Does everyone have a paddle? Ready? GO!

(Rafael turns and bolts as 23 pissed-off hockey players chase him with foam paddles. He's not fast enough. Ten minutes later, the team-building guru is naked and hog-tied with hockey tape on the floor, quietly weeping as 23 paddles lie scattered around his trembling form and their wielders troop off together for a couple of beers.)

Bob Gainey: (quietly surveying the damage) Well, Jacques, I think that went well.
Jacques Martin: Bob, you're a genius.
Gainey: Not really. I've known for a long time that the best way to build a team is to give them all a common enemy. The rest sorts itself out.
Martin: I think that poor fruit has earned his bonus, wouldn't you say?
Gainey: If this bunch wins a Cup, you can double it.
Martin: So, did this tell you who should be captain?
Gainey: Yup.
Martin: Who do you think?
Gainey: (smiles)