As the Canadiens clean out their lockers and prepare to head off for summer holidays and training programs, it's time for the rest of us to clear up our 2010-11 business as well. I've decided to finally write all of those letters I keep meaning to send. Here are a few of them:
I see there's no suspension for Andrew Ference for his elbow to Jeff Halpern's head. Myself and some fellow fans have been joking all season that you guys just spin a wheel of fortune and hand out whatever suspension it lands on. Now I'm starting to think it's not a joke. We've figured out your system, haven't we? It's okay. You can tell us. Don't worry, we understand. If you've painted yourself into an impossible corner by trying to appear tough without actually changing anything, there's not a lot else you can do. Good luck with your excuses for Round Two.
Dear Bruins Fans:
May you be comforted by beating a worn down, depleted team in seven games when your Vezina-winning goalie allows five goals a game against Philly. And may your cheap-shot artists be out-cheapshot. May the class you show to others be revisited to you in spades.
Dear Hockey Night In Canada:
I hope you all brought spare pants to work for after the Bruins scored in OT.
Dear Pierre Gauthier:
For the love of God, please get this team a real bottom-six. A solid defence wouldn't hurt either. Somebody outside Mike Cammalleri and Brian Gionta has to score in the playoffs. It's your job to get some support for those guys, so please, don't leave it another year. Oh, and if you're having trouble justifying sending seven million in salary to Hamilton as your only option for dumping Gomez, I'll try to help. If tomorrow morning I start a facebook group to solicit donations from Habs fans who are willing to pay for him to go away, I should have you covered by lunch time. You have a lot of work to do this summer. Don't screw it up.
Dear Scott Gomez:
You currently owe Habs fans about seven-and-a-half million dollars. Cash, cheque or major credit cards are acceptable.
Dear Tim Thomas:
We're on to your Mr.Nice Guy act. Your disgraceful comments about P.K.Subban and his "diving" and the way he's a "travesty to the game" are disappointing and smack of poor sportsmanship. You couldn't just win with good grace, could you? Your lack of class in your comments about Subban sours your victory and makes you look like a small, petty man. I hope you're eating rubber for four more games before you slink home to complain about how the Flyers are a bunch of cheaters too. And I hope you drop your Vezina on your big toe and miss six weeks next year.
Dear Carey Price:
Enjoy the rodeo this summer. If anyone deserves to chill out by roping a few calves, it's you. Just, please God, don't hurt yourself! Thanks for everything.
Dear Kirk Muller:
I would like for you to stay in Montreal, please. Yes, I know there are a half dozen NHL head-coaching jobs open and you'd very much like to take one of those if you get the chance. However, the Canadiens need you. Somebody who speaks "player" needs to be part of the coaching staff. It also helps that your heart rate has actually risen above "coma" in the last year. The Canadiens need someone who's connected to their last Cup to remind the team why it's important for the Habs to be relevant. That's you. Thanks, and see you at camp.
Dear Lars Eller:
So it's true. You actually dislocated your shoulder in Game Six, popped it back in and came back to finish the series. Man, that had to hurt like a bugger! It appears that you really get what it means to compete and win in the playoffs. I didn't want Jaro Halak to go, but if he had to, I'm glad you've become a Hab instead.
Dear Annakin Slayd:
This doesn't feel a bit like '93. This feels like shite.