Bonding

The Scene: Somewhere in the woods near Collingwood, Ontario.

P.K.Subban: Okay, Kush. We've got them. All we have to do is sneak up behind that tree and hit them hard.
Andrei Kostitsyn: I hit tree?
Subban: No, Kush. We hit those guys down there. We hide behind the tree.
Kostitsyn: Cool. We sneak up on tree.
Subban: Cammy, do you speak Kush?
Mike Cammalleri: Okay, Kush? You know when coach yells at you for missing your check? This is like that. You see those guys moving down there? Get behind the tree and shoot them.
Kostitsyn: Okay, Cammy. I can shoot my check.
Travis Moen: I say we just run down at them. They don't know we're here, and we'll scare the shit out of them if we come tearing out of the trees like that.
Cammalleri: Yeah, but if we start screaming and running, they'll only be shocked for a minute. Then they'll start picking us off.
Subban: That's true. I say we snipe them. Kush, you ready?
Kostitsyn: I am ready, P.K. fires
Moen: Holy crap. You shot coach in the ass, Kush. If he finds out it was you, you'll never see ten minutes a game again.
Kostitsyn: Crap, Travy. Don't tell him. Please!
Subban: (in a sing-song) Kush shot the coach's ass. Kush shot the coach's ass. Ha ha, Kush. That's unreal, even for you!
Cammalleri: Okay. Let's get our story straight. They're gonna know it was one of us, by the angle of the shot. I say we tell him P.K. was aiming at Pearn.
Moen: No, man. He loves Pearn. I say it was a riccochet off that big rock down there, and we were aiming for Gill over behind that tree. Everyone in the game can see him there.
Kostitsyn: But what we will say when he ask who pull trigger?
Cammalleri: I'll say it was me.
Moen: No, man. I'll say it was me. It doesn't matter because I know I'll still get first-line time this year.
Subban: No. I'll say it was me. Until Marky comes back, he can't afford to bench me.
Kostitsyn: Guys. You are being so kind. I am feeling the bond.
Cammalleri: No, Kush, you're feeling the thrill of shooting Martin in the ass. Ha ha. But seriously, we've got your back.
Subban: Yeah, Kush. You're our guy and Jacques will have to go through us to get to you.
Moen: Shut up, P.K. I'm getting something in my eye here.
Kostitsyn: Okay. I am running down and shoot. They get me, I fall for you.
Cammalleri: No, Kush. We'll all go together. Okay? Everyone ready...RUUUUNNN!!

The four players race downhill, weapons ready. Shots fire from every direction

Kostitsyn: Oh my God. They got me. Cammy! Go on without me.
Cammalleri: They got me too! I think I leaned into the shot and it got me in the head. It's my fault, so at least nobody will get suspended.
Moen: I'm down too, guys. Markov got me in the knee.
Subban: I'm hit! Who the hell let Don Cherry in here?!

All is silent on the field of battle. Then, a lone figure emerges from the shadows

Carey Price: Heh heh. So, you guys thought you could outsmart a cowboy? Think again, suckers.
Jacques Martin: Carey! Help!
Price: Jacques? Holy crap, did someone shoot you in the ass?
Martin: It was that damn Subban. Someday I'm gonna get that kid.
Price: Aw, common, Jacques. Let's go grab a beer and do some bonding. This game kinda sucks.
Martin: Yeah, I just wish I could have shot Claude Julien, but, oh well.
Price: Too bad the Bruins are bonding on Crescent St. this week.
Martin: Damn.



*Photo courtesy of @PKSubban1 on Twitter.