Tuesday, November 15, 2011

A Dear Jacques Letter

Dear Jacques,

It pains me to write you this letter. We've had some good times in the past, but this season you've turned so cold and unmoving. I thought about whether I should just wait and see if you'd come around, but I've decided things have dragged on long enough. So, I have to ask, why do you hate me? I give you chance after chance, but you don't seem to care. All I want to do is go dancing; have a little fun. Maybe score once in a while.

You proved you don't love me anymore, so I wanted to go out with Tomas Plekanec. You can't let me be happy, though. You always find something else for him to do. One day he's digging ditches, next day taking out the garbage. At the end of the week, he's got nothing left for me. You never let him get my motor running.

No. Instead you push me at Mathieu Darche. Mathieu Darche?! I mean, he's a great guy and all, but he's really not my type. He's hardworking, sure. He just doesn't make me respond to his Edward Scissorhands-like touch.

I confess, I'm desperate. At this point, I'd take an impotent Scott Gomez rush. At least it's exciting for a little while, even if he's got the finish of raw lumber. You keep telling me it'll be different when Andrei Markov arrives, but you've been saying the same thing for two years now. I can't deal with this teasing for much longer.

I'm just a mess. When I look back at old videos, I don't recognize myself. I used to be hot and dangerous. Now I'm sloppy and disorganized. I've gone to hell and, Jacques? I blame you. You think you know what's best for me, but you keep setting me up with the wrong guys. There's no chemistry and my chances of scoring are among the lowest in the league. What I don't get is why you don't see it. Everyone else does. The pundits are all talking about it. Fans are pointing at me and gossiping about my problems. People are calling me useless and pathetic.

Why are you so stubborn, Jacques? I know Josh Gorges doesn't really have a silky touch, but he's performing this year. He's built up more points than any other blueliner you've got. I'd like a shot with him. You know, maybe give Plekanec a job he's more suited to do, so he's rested enough to take me out on weekends. When he's overworked, he leaves me hanging and I make bad, costly decisions. I'm letting strangers score as often as my own guys. Seriously, give Gorges a chance to make me happy.

I just want to be productive again. Honestly? I want to put out. This is probably tough for you to hear because I know you're pretty well opposed to offensive freedom. But, Jacques, this is the New NHL, and we have every right to score. Kirk Muller had the right idea, but he's left me in your cold hands and now I'm lost.

The funny thing is, as much as you hate me, you need me. You have to admit it, or you're going to regret it later. If I'm not happy, you and your players won't be happy either. So consider this a cry for help. Think about putting your dislike of me aside and being a little more flexible. Plekanec is your boy, I know, but he'd be so much better with me if you just gave him his freedom.

Please, Jacques. Before it's too late, loosen up. Let me do what I do best and I can help you. If you don't, well, it's going to be a long, depressing season and I'm going to cost you a lot of games. That's a promise.

Sincerely,

Your Power Play.

10 comments:

Paul B. said...

simply brilliant

Woodvid said...

Brilliant.

Pierre said...

loved it, very original and intelligent

Hadulf said...

Original and intelligent...2 words that Jacques Martin knows nothing about!

Harry said...

People have the nerve to say, 'Who else could be the coach' ? JM has experience,they say,yes its true but STUBBORN to a fault.
I sure hope Molson reads your blog !!
Thanks JT

dusty said...

Well said. Last night's game exposed two serious problems that the Habs must address and soon.

Plekanec on the point must end. He is lost back there and worse, he leads to shorties. If there is no one in the organization with a point shot a trade must be made. Even with Cammalleri and AK46 the PP sucks.

The other glaring weakness is shoot outs. Price is not very good one on one, but the poor guy knows he can't let in even one or the team loses. Plekanec shouldn't be used in the top three, he simply is not a scorer and doesn't have the moves. Max Pac is good and should lead off. After that I don't know but I would use shooters and make the goalie make a stop at least.

The Sabres don't look very good and all the more pathetic with Gaustad and Kaleta chasing the rough, tough Habs around the ice especially Desharnais and Weber. Very impressive. Too bad the Habs lost Engqvist early and couldn't roll four lines. Maybe they wouldn't have crapped out in the third or maybe they just sat back and thought the game was over.

One thing is clear. If they can't beat the Sabres in regulation or OT they'll only be getting the loser point.

Anonymous said...

JM is here to stay. The Habs have clawed their way from the dregs of the bottom (29th) all the way up to the top of the bottom (21st). Ok, so they'll likely be 26th by the time this week is over, but still they were in nosebleed country for a day or so. Heady stuff.

Frankly the only thing more boring than watching a JM coached game, and waiting for the surprise outcome or injury list, is listening to olay, olay, olay. What a dull city Montreal has become. You don't suppose they're really diehard Ollie Jokinen fans demanding a Gomer - Ollie trade? No...well too much to expect.

Anyway until Molson beer and sweater sales drop off they won't do anything about JM - first because there's no one around to take the job except Carbonneau and more importantly because they just do not give a hoot about standings, only profit.(See wiki, Gillett, George N. Junior, and then you'll know why he's smiling at you;-)

(Disclaimer:This anonymous is not to be confused with the anonymous threatening to take Toronto off the internet because their tent was wet.)

Pisano said...

Martin has his favourites. When a player is on the 'good' list, no fear, nothing said player can do will put him out of favour. When a player is on the 'bad' list, nothing said player can do will put him on the 'this is where I want to be', experience.

Cole, fugettaboudit... Power play time? Enough to keep Martin from being lynched. Shootout? What has he ever shown? Deserved minutes? Wha's that?

Eller, puuhhllleeeaaaasssse! Power play time? Why? He has not established the type of player he is... Wha...wha..whhhaaatttt??? Darche, now there is a player that has shown... I cannot even pretend to understand the love.

Gomez, for the love of hockey sanity! No hits, no shots on goal, no points, minus player. So???
Instantly given 20 minutes a game while Eller, who has constantly outplayed Gomez, not that that is any significant achievement, has his ice-time cut in half.

This team is going nowhere with the never-won-anything, defence-only, pacifist Martin at the helm.

It is really disheartening, actually it is more like depressing but some positive attitude is required for sanity's sake, to watch the pitiful results of Martin's 'system'.

Cole seemed to 'speak out' after the latest debacle, when he said they should have not sit back. He may find himself getting less than the 10 to 15 minutes a game Martin begrudgingly gives him now. He is much to offensive-minded a player for stodgy's liking, so expressing opinions contrary to the defencive-good of the team... Taking a chance, that lad.

Anyway, the sooner Martin is gone, the better. Unless, of course, they replace him with another defencive-first/only coach whose greatest attribute is being bilingual...

DT said...

Brilliant, thanks JT!

moeman said...

Sealed with a kiss (my ass). Well written once again.