Saturday, March 3, 2012

Help Wanted

The Montreal Canadiens management is nothing if not protective of the organization's reputation. You have to think, then, that this year has been exceptionally painful. When everyone from the lowest leaf fan to Jack Edwards is laughing at your once-proud team, it has to hurt. A lot. With that in mind, the Canadiens plan to spend the off-season starting over, from the top down. A top-notch team of corporate headhunters, great former Habs and Bob MacKenzie has been assembled to begin the search for the Canadiens' new general manager. They have prepared the following comprehensive questionnaire, designed to find the individual best suited for one of the highest-pressure jobs in hockey:

Please answer all questions as accurately as possible. Extra space is available on the back.


1. My ideal team is built on:

a) solid goaltending and special teams
b) size and toughness
c) speed and skill
d) Patrice Brisebois

2. I would be willing to trade Carey Price for:

a) a big centreman like Ryan Getzlaf
b) a big, franchise defenceman like Shea Weber
c) a big bag of weed
d) Vincent Lecavalier

3. My draft strategy can best be described as:

a) always choosing the best player available
b) always choosing Minnesota's Mr.Hockey
c) always choosing by organizational need
d) always choosing a guy who'll be trumped by the guy the Bruins take two picks later

4. I believe long-term contracts are:

a) necessary in today's NHL
b) only for carefully chosen franchise cornerstones
c) only for Scott Gomez
d) determined by picking a card, any card

5. I prefer to be drunk:

a) in the morning
b) only at special occasions
c) all the time
d) right before the trade deadline

6. I believe a team should be constructed:

a) through the draft
b) out of Lego
c) through free agency
d) while drunk

7. I would like to model myself after:

a) Ken Holland
b) Mike Milbury
c) Brian Burke
d) Charlie Sheen

8. I would best describe my feelings about the media as:

a) wary...I've heard bad things
b) open...they're there to help us talk to the fans
c) friendly...I hope to work in TSN's Insider panel when I get fired
d) angry...they always report it when I'm caught sexting

9. I believe a coach should primarily be:

a) firm with the players
b) loyal to the GM
c) in possession of a wide array of attractive ties
d) able to speak the language of the team's best players...Russian

10. Under my stewardship, the Canadiens can reasonably be expected to win the Stanley Cup in:

a) 2-3 years
b) sometime before the leafs win it
c) this century
d) your dreams

SECTION B: ESSAY QUESTIONS (Please complete any three of five)

1. Assuming there are no amnesty buyouts at the beginning of the new CBA, describe how you would handle the Scott Gomez situation, and explain your decision. (No hit men or one-way tickets to Anchorage, please)

2. Compare and contrast: Garth Snow and Sam Pollock

3. If Carey Price were to approach you and request a trade, would you handle it more like Rejean Houle, Scott Howson or Bryan Murray? Why?

4. Your team is on a long losing streak and fans and media are screaming for your head. Do you step down, or do you axe the coach with whom you've bled in the trenches for years and made your kid's godfather in an effort to save your own ass? Explain your choice.

5. What are your thoughts about the place the Canadiens have in society and how best to preserve that connection while building a winning team? (We will know if you rip off either of Roch Carrier's or Jean Beliveau's books.)

Good luck to all candidates. (Not you, McGuire.)


Anonymous said...

You know I think I'd actually take chalie SheEn as the gm over mike milbury.

moeman said...

No math questions?

punkster said... usual.

Steve said...

I say do it by Referendum.

Anonymous said...

is it okay if rejean houle answers the questions in crayon?

UK3X said...

I think the answers to all the multiple choice are "A". I'll get back to you on the essay questions in due course...

Anonymous said...

Aren't most GM's drunk before the deadline?

Raj said...

Good post. While I cower in the acid rain of the replies that I'm sure will come, upbraiding me for thinking this way, I must say it's become very difficult to call oneself a "fan" of the Habs. I follow the team -- I watch the games and read blogs like this one, but I don't feel pride so much as I do a morbid fascination (as I would seeing a car accident) with how the players keeps finding ways to lose games, play with a casualness I hadn't though possible in recent years, and otherwise generally embarrass themselves. As good as Carey Price has been, I don't blame him for having lapses of concentration that cause him to let in soft goals every now and then. Nor do I blame Plekanec for his lapses, either. Only the mediocre are always at their best -- and it IS the job of management to provide an atmosphere where players want to give their best all the time. I know Cole has been a beast but it helps to play on the best line and to not have to constantly adjust to new linemates.

I don't think even your rigorous screening tests for candidates for coach and GM would assure us we got the best person. Given that we can hire only the best bilingual candidates, rather than the absolute best condidates, there will always be charges of cronyism or nepotism directed at whoever was either coach or GM. Nonetheless, Gauthier and RC have shown us we can't win with them. They have to go. I hope Geoff Molson agrees. Otherwise, it'll be long trip to the promised land, once again.