The scene: Brossard, first day of Habs training camp, dressing room
Brian Gionta: Guys! It's so great to have everyone back together, finally. Last year really sucked, but I think we'll be better this season, even if it's short. I'm feeling great. Marky's back. Prusty and Armdog will be kicking some ass. Everybody's in good shape. It's been a weird few months, though, not seeing most of you guys for so long. So, what have you all been doing to keep busy?
Carey Price: The usual. Roping some calves, oiling my boots, hanging in the sweat lodge, counting my new money. Designed 27 new masks. You know, same old, same old. You should hear about Gorgie, though.
Gionta: Yeah, what did you do, Gorgie?
Josh Gorges: Huh? Well, I played this game against Washington, and Mike Green wound up for a slapper. I didn't even think about it, just got in front of it and stopped it with my head. You should see my helmet!
Silence for a beat
Price: Um, Gorgie? That was two years ago.
Gorges: Seriously? That would explain why this girl keeps texting me about our wedding.
Price: Yeeaahh. You should maybe get that checked. What about you, Pleky?
Tomas Plekanec: I had the best hockey season of my life. My hero was always Jagr, and I got to centre him back home. I was top of the league in scoring with Jagr on my wing. It was amazing.
Rene Bourque: What are you trying to say Pleky?
Plekanec: Seriously, Bourkie? I'm not calling you out. Most people just don't have the moves like Jagr. What did you do, Davey?
David Desharnais: Well, I went to Switzerland for a while. It was pretty fun. You get an apartment and a car along with your pay. My numbers were great too. Helped that I played against Diaz and Weber. Ha ha!
Max Pacioretty: I tried Switzerland too, but it just didn't work out. So I came home and spent the last few months pushing heavy stuff around.
Gorges: What kind of stuff?
Pacioretty: Mostly a giant metal sled. Sometimes an effigy of Chara. Sometimes my wallet.
Colby Armstrong: Well, I'm just glad we're back to work. Even when I tried to take Koivu's head off that time, I still liked the Habs. This is really a kid's dream come true. If I score Saturday night, I'm gonna thank the leafs for paying for half the goal.
Erik Cole: If you do, I'll give you one of my new hats. I got into fashion during the lockout, and now I'm thinking I might want to do it full-time. I like how you can be political and send a message, and still look good at the same time. I feel like clothes are what I was meant to do. Hockey's getting so heartless and businessy. Whaddya think, Gomer? You want to get into fashion with me? Gomer? Hey, anybody see Gomer?
Blank looks as players glance around, then collectively shrug
Cole: Oh well, I'm sure he's around here somewhere. Hey Marky! How's the knee feeling?
Andrei Markov: It's a long time I didn't practice with the team. I love the game. I work hard to be beck soon.
Cole: Ah, Marky, didn't you just play a bunch of games in Russia?
Markov: Yeah, but nobody there ask me about the knee. I learn answers to say when people say knee, so I practice.
Alexei Emelin: По крайней мере, ваше колено не делает тревоги в аэропорту кольцо. Попробуйте имеющих пластины в вашем лице некоторое время. Тогда глупые ублюдки хотят, чтобы вы бороться. Черт.
Markov: Вы не знаете глупый пока вы были здесь в течение многих лет. Репортеры знаю только шесть вопросов к вам.
Emelin: Тренер имеет booger висит у него из носа.
Markov: (switching to English) Alex says he is very heppy to be beck also.
Door opens, P.K.Subban enters, looking furtively around
Subban: Hey guys. I was never here, okay? I just came to pick up some mail. Mike Richards and Timmy Thomas get pissy when you don't sign the pictures they want. Then you get all the drama...
Gionta: P.K.! When will we see you back in the room for real?
Subban: Everything will happen when it's supposed to happen, Gio. I'm pretty zen about it.
Gionta: Well, we can sure use you. Hope you get a deal done soon. Who's gonna low-five Pricey?
Travis Moen: Hey, P.K., a bunch of us were playing some exhibition hockey to fill the time. What were you up to?
Subban: (takes a big breath, starts to speak, then shakes his head, grins and says) Nothing worth taking about, my friend. Nothing at all. Okay. I'm outta here. Beat the leafs!
General roar of approval as players head out to take the ice for the first official post-lockout practice.
Peter Budaj: (entering and looking around in confusion) Guys? Hellooo! Where did everybody go? The lockout's over, right? Right?