Not Not the Habs Coach

The Scene: Marc Bergevin's office, June 1, 2016. Michel Therrien enters and takes a seat.

Therrien: Hi Marc. Thanks for the new golf gloves. I guess we'll give 'em a good workout with all the hockey we're not playing this summer, eh? Heh heh.

Bergevin (gritting teeth): Yeah. About that, Mike...

Therrien (grinning vapidly): Listen, before you say anything, I know things could have been better this year. But Pricer was hurt and then with everything else...well, you can't replace a player like that.

Bergevin (softening): I know Carey's loss hurt the team...

Therrien: Oh, yeah. Of course. But I was talking about when Davey hurt his foot. I mean, you just can't take him out and expect the offence to work. What was I supposed to do? Play Chucky at centre?!

Bergevin: Yeah. Anyway...I asked you here today because I wanted to tell you some great news.

Therrien: What is it?! Let me guess! You're trading P.K.?! No! Eller! Those guys bug me so much...

Bergevin (looking guiltily around): No! No, of course not. I'm not trading those guys. They're part of our core. No, it's about you, Mike.

Therrien: I know my rights! I have two more years at full pay, and you pinky swore you wouldn't do this! I've still got those pictures, you know!

Bergevin: No, no, you're not getting it! I'm not firing you. I'm giving you a promotion!

Therrien: Oh. Well, that's more like it. But, I like coaching. I get to wear my good ties and look smart on TV.

Bergevin: I know you do. But this is so much better. You, Mike, are going from coach to...figurehead!

Therrien: Hey! That's not a promotion. I'm not that dumb!

Bergevin: I know that! Just listen. When the Vikings conquered half of Europe, they ruled the seas and struck fear into the hearts of opponents. Leading the way were the fierce, terrifying figureheads of their ships. People saw them and just threw down their swords. Now, isn't that something to be proud of?

Therrien: I guess. But...

Bergevin: I'm not done. Think about the Queen of England. Or the Emperor of Japan. They're rich, famous, honoured. But you know what? They're also figureheads. Now, who wouldn't want to be in that company?

Therrien (showing a little more enthusiasm): Okaaaay.

Bergevin: It's like this, Mike. A lot of people hate you. And I know that hurts your feelings deeply. I want to take the burden of making hard decisions like who to put on the PP and when to take your time out off your shoulders. You've been around too long and have done too much to have those kinds of grunt problems on your plate.

Therrien: Well, it's true I could use some support, for sure.

Bergevin: That's the spirit! And the best part is, you can still wear your nice ties and talk to the media in French. You just won't have to do all that boring game prep and period-to-period adjustment stuff.

Therrien: Weeelll...if I still get to be on TV, I guess that's okay. But who's going to do all the boring stuff?

Bergevin: I know it's going to be super hard to find anyone as good at it as you are, but leave it with me and I'll find someone. I'm sure there's got to be a guy out there somewhere who doesn't mind being a lowly coach.

Therrin (rising to leave): Thanks, Marc. You've totally made my day. I can't wait to tell the family I'm going to be the Habs new figurehead.

Bergevin: Hey! Not just any figurehead. You're the first one in the history of this proud franchise. I wouldn't have given it to just anyone!

Therrien: Awww! Buddy! See ya on the golf course!

Therrien leaves. After a beat, Bergevin hits a number on his phone.

Bergevin: Okay, Kirky. It's all set. The newser is at 2:00 tomorrow. We're going to call you an "associate," but you know the deal right?

Kirk Muller: Yep. See ya in the playoffs!