Thursday, April 1, 2010

Aftermath: The Day the Playoffs Died

I know there are five games left and the Habs are still in it. I should be a little bit optimistic and write something about how the Habs still hold their own destiny in their hands. I should say a bunch of Pollyannaish things about how they controlled most of the play against the 'Canes, how they finally got a PP goal and how they just got robbed by a spectacular Cam Ward performance. But you know what? After last night, I just don't feel like it. They needed that game, and they didn't get it. Now I'm mad and depressed about their chances. So, with apologies to Don McLean (and none to the Habs), I give you The Day the Playoffs Died.

A long long time ago
I can still remember how the playoffs used to make me smile
When I knew the Habs had a chance
Those wins in OT made us dance
And Patrick made us happy for a while
But then the Houle years made me shiver
With every stinker they'd deliver
Like dog crap on the doorstep
They couldn't take the next step
I wondered if they had no pride
When I saw their down-the-standings slide
But something burned me deep inside
The day the playoffs died

So, bye-bye, Stanley pie in the sky
I had some bubbly here on standby
But the bottle was dry
And depressed Habs fans were drinkin' whiskey and rye
Singin' will they win again 'fore I die?
Will they win again 'fore I die?

Do you wear CH with love?
And do you have faith in Ghosts above
If the PR guy tells you so?
Did you believe they were on a roll
Playing with just a little soul
And now they teach us how to choke real slow
Well, I know that you're in love with Price
I saw you smile when he hit the ice
But he lost and heard the boos
From way up there in the blues
He was a lonely, teenage broncin' buck
Who drove to Montreal in a pickup truck
But I knew he was out of luck
The day the playoffs died
He was singin'

Seventeen years we've been on our own
And our hearts are heavy as a stone
But that's not how it used to be
When the Rocket played for the English Queen
with his hair slicked back like young James Dean
To a roar that came from you and me
Oh, and while the Queen was looking down
Smiling sweet beneath her crown
The Rangers' joes got burned
Floyd Curry's hat trick earned.
Now while the Habs are falling hard,
They try to fix things in Brossard
Remember when the Big Three starred?
The day the playoffs died
We were singin'

No spring for us, just summer swelter
Gauthier's looking for a fallout shelter
Eighth place now and falling fast
Are they all just smoking grass?
The players can't cash a forward pass
With poor Metro on the sidelines in a cast
Now Bergie's bullet made us swoon
While the PA played a scoring tune
We all got up to dance
Oh but we never got the chance
'Cause the players tried to climb the field
The Hurricanes refused to yield
Do you recall what was revealed
The day the playoffs died
We started singing

Oh, and there they all cling, still in eighth place
A hockey season lost in space
With no time left to start again
So come on, Pleks, be nimble, Scott be quick
Hal Gill use your ten-foot stick
'Cause defence is the goalie's only friend
As I watched the Thrashers take the stage
My hands were clenched in fists of rage
And the Bruins, born in Hell
Under Miro Satan's spell
And as I watch the Flyers win tonight
Could the Habs see a bleaker sight?
I'll see Satan laughing with delight
The day the playoffs died
He'll be singing

I met a guy up in the blues
And I asked him for some happy news
But he just booed and turned away
I went to the arena store
Where I'd bought a sweater years before
But the man there said that Patrick couldn't play
And in the streets the Habs fans screamed
Scalpers cried, and the dreamers dreamed
But not a word was spoken
Their hearts and hopes were broken
And the three men I admire most
The Flower, Jean and Rocket's Ghost
Watched Kostitsyn hit the post
The day the playoffs died
And they were singin'

Bye-bye, Stanley pie in the sky
I had some bubbly here on standby
But the bottle was dry
And depressed Habs fans were drinkin' whiskey and rye
Singin' will they win again 'fore I die?
Will they win again 'fore I die?

17 comments:

Harry said...

Even the Father,Son and Holy Ghost can't help us when we coast ....

Anonymous said...

Nice.

Anonymous said...

WOW! Thanks for that.

Anonymous said...

Is swearing allowed on your blog in those situations? I can think of a couple of useless expressions to share at this point in time. Hope dies last... but man would the habs have walk-on parts in the play-offs...

J.T. said...

@anon (the third one): Swearing isn't not allowed per se...I just like it better when people are smart enough to come up with a cooler way to say how mad they are.

Habsfan1993 said...

Wonderful.

Brian said...

That was really good. We're as doomed as doomed can be. The Leafs will end the misery on April 10.

Anonymous said...

I'm not mad, I'm sad. Sad, sad, sad. What a letdown. Let's just imagine how the Habs feel though.

Are you sure you're taken?

Josh said...

I've been reading your blog for a while now, but I just had to post this time. This was excellent. I just became a Habs fan last year (born and raised in Milwaukee, so no local allegiances) and your blog really helps me keep up with them. Keep up the good work.

Paul B. said...

Even if we don't always share the same opinion, your writing is always brilliant. This piece is so much more than that.

@ Josh: Why in the world would an American from Milwaukee choose to become a Habs fan in 2009 ? In the 70's, sure. In the80's, of course. Early 90's, why not. But in 2009 !!! Were you swept away by the Centennial ?
The performance of American born Komisarek and or Higgins ? The overall performance against the Bruins in the playoffs ?

moeman said...

Awesome parody! Beautifully done.

Joel-Gh said...

WOW !
Tu décris parfaitement comment je me sentais, moi aussi, mercredi et jeudi a.m.

Aujourd'hui, je ne serais pas aussi désespéré, mais j'apprécie au plus haut point ce post.

Bravo !
Un fan quasi inconditionnel de JT
;-)

HabsFan29 said...

@JT - how about "FUCKING AWESOME!!!" is that ok?

Anonymous said...

J.T., this was really brilliant. Love your writing as always.

Not depressed yet (it's one day later and all the other teams lost!) but it's definitely not looking as bright as it did 2 weeks ago...

GoldenGirl11 said...

@JT
Nicely done. I think both Don and Moeman would applaud.

于名于名 said...

TAHNKS FOR YOUR SHARING~~~VERY NICE.................................................

Josh said...

It was a series of events. I first ruled out Detroit, Chicago, New Jersey, and Dallas because I've always hated them. Then I went through all of the teams and came up with Pittsburgh (easy access to games/information), Minnesota (currently going to school there), and Montreal (Canadian team). I turned on Versus one night and, of course, the Habs were on. I took it as a sign that they should be my team. I also really liked Saku Koivu and the uniforms. It just felt right. So now I'm on board, for better or worse.