Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Canadiens Voice Mail Scandal

As the News of the World voice-mail hacking scandal in England intensifies, it makes one wonder what would turn up if, say, Pierre Gauthier's messages were to become public. Here's what it might sound like:

To listen to your saved messages, press six. First saved message:

8:12am: Hello. This is me, Alex. Um, Kovy. Heh heh. So, I just wanted you to know I am willing to come back and play in Montreal again. I always wanted to finish my career in Montreal, and I can tell you that whole Ottawa thing was a misunderstanding. Anyway, I thought it would be best to call in person because we're still friends, right? My agent has my terms.

8:46am: Hi, Pierre? Steve here. Just wondering if you're open to talking about Desharnais? Give me a call. Oh, and I'll take Darche too. Love those French guys. And, remember, if you don't want to trade 'em, I'll just sign 'em in the summer anyway. Ha ha. Kidding. Talk to you soon.

10:04am: Hey, Pierre! It's Georges. Got my cheque today, thanks! I have an awesome idea for a new chain of bean sprout sandwich shops. Call me if you want in on the ground floor. Vote Green!

11:34am: Hello. It is me, Alex, calling you again. You have not called my agent, so I think your phone was maybe broken. I'm flying to New York today, so call me after five o'clock.

12:41pm: Pierre, it's Geoff. Sorry, the budget won't allow us to send him to Hamilton. See you at tee time.

12:58pm: Hello, Pierre. Bob here. I've got time this weekend to pay up on the Fischer-in-the-first-round bet. What colour do you want your dock? Oh, and I apologize in advance if it turns out to be pink. I don't bake bread very well either.

2:40pm: Congratulations! You have been selected for a dream holiday in Hawaii. Please press nine to claim your prize.

5:01pm: Pierre. Kovy again. You're busy, so I'll just tell you my terms before the other teams start calling. I'll sign with you for two years, three million each, and a no-trade clause. Call me back.

6:23pm: Hi, Pierre. Geoff again. Sorry, but we can't send him to the minors either.

6:39pm: Pierre, hi. It's Peter. Yeah, sorry, but I'm no longer available for that assistant coaching job. It's funny, if you'd called a week ago, I'd be in Montreal now. Anyway, see you in the fall.

8:37pm: Pierre, Kovy here. Listen, maybe I was too hasty before. I meant to say I want ONE year for ONE million, plus I'll fly your plane. I need to get my hours up anyway. Call me.

8:50pm: Hey Pete. Don Maloney here. I just got your message about moving Gomez. I have to say, I always thought you were a bit of an undertaker, but that's some funny shit. Talk later.

9:12pm: Pierre. Why are you not calling me? I want to play till I'm fifty, Pierre, but you're not calling. Remember my 35 goals? I can do it again, I swear. I have to go. My wife says my tears make her sick. (whispers) Please don't make me go to KHL.

10:18pm: Bastard. Milovala jsem Montreal. Mi ne, díky od vás. Dech smrdí jako křečci. Co? Spatcho, nejsem opilý! Bastard.

10:29pm: Pierre, Steve again. Listen, I know you guys really want to acquire a home-grown star this summer. For the right price, Vinnie might be available. Stamkos is gonna be our guy now, but Vinnie's still a player. I mean, I can totally afford him, and I know he's going to be a superstar until he's 40, but I feel like I kind of owe you one for grooming Guy for me. I'd hate to see him go anywhere else. I'd have to get a young D back, though. You know...a guy who does things the white way. Ha ha. Let me know.

11:38pm: Hi, it's Bob. I forgot to mention, Pierre, you really talk too much.

11:59pm: (rattle, rattle) sob (click)

End of messages. Low battery.

4 comments:

Laura said...

Perfect i knew someone had hacked his phone lol

moeman said...

heh, loved it.

Woodvid said...

Awesome!

Anonymous said...

That's freakin funny...Vote Green..Hilarious