Thursday, September 15, 2011

A Meeting of the Minds

The Scene: Jacques Martin's office at the Bell Centre. Martin sits behind the desk, Andrei Kostitsyn in one of two chairs before it. A stranger walks in and takes the second seat.

Martin: Andrei, I asked you to come here today so we could talk about our differences. I need you to be an important contributor to our group this season.
Kostitsyn: Shoot puck. Score goals.
Martin: Yes, exactly. And I believe you when you say the things you told that reporter this summer were a misunderstanding.
Kostitsyn: Yes. He just want story.
Martin: So, to avoid more miscommunication, I've invited Mikhail here to join us. English isn't my first language, or yours, but Mikhail speaks both French and Belarusian, and he'll translate for us. Is that okay with you?
Kostitsyn: Yes. Is good. I start?

Martin nods. Kostitsyn turns to translator and begins to speak.

Kostitsyn: Вы асёл. Вы ніколі не слухаюць. Вы носіце выродлівыя сувязяў. Вы губіце маю кар'еру.

Translator pales, fidgets, clears throat.

Mikhail: Il dit qu’il souhaite que vous ayez un dialogue plus ouvert. Et il aime votre choix de cravates.
Martin: Regardes-toi dans le miroir, le clown. Ils doivent bien avoir des coiffeurs dans ton pays? Ou est-ce-que ton imbécile de frère te coupe toujours les cheveux avec des cisailles?
Mikhail: Трэнер кажа, што вы добра выглядаць. Вы павінны ўпарта працавалі ўсё лета.
Kostitsyn: Я ўпарта працую, каб атрымаць ад вас. Я спадзяюся, што вы страціце працу.
Mikhail: Ah, il dit que tant que tu es le coach et qu’il est un joueur, il t’écoutera.
Martin: Ça me rend fou quand tu croise la ligne bleue avec la puck, pis t’as l’air comme si quelqu’un te demandais de résoudre des équations quadratiques et tu perds la rondelle.
Mikhail: Трэнер лічыць, што вы вельмі творча з шайбай і здольныя да матэматыкі, занадта
Kostitsyn: Я хачу быць на першай лініі з Pleky.
Mikhail: Il aime bien jouer avec Tomas Plekanec et il pense qu’il a plus à offrir à l’équipe.
Martin: Tu seras sur la troisième ligne cette saison, et si tu n’aimes pas ça, ben j’ai entendu une rumeur que les Devils se cherchent un virtuose sous-performant pour jouer avec Kovalchuk. S’ils ont encore une équipe en novembre. Pis y’a toujours les Jets. Tout le monde veut jouer à Winnipeg, non?
Mikhail: Трэнер кажа, што вы універсальны прайгравальнік, і балельшчыкі ў Вініпегу будзе так рады цябе бачыць.
Kostitsyn: Я хачу, каб ён гаварыць ясна і скажыце, што ён хоча, каб я зрабіў.
Mikhail: En mots simples, qu’est ce que tu veux qu’il fasse sur la glace?
Martin: Je te demande de jouer simple. Si tu as la rondelle, tu la shoot. Si tu n’l’as pas, tu frappes des gens jusqu'à ce que tu la reçoit. Donne la pas en cadeau et prend pas des pénalités stupides.
Mikhail: Ён хоча, каб захаваць яго простым. Страляйце шайбу. Хіт гульцоў. Трымайцеся далей ад штрафной.
Kostitsyn: (excitedly)Так! Як я заўсёды кажу. Страляйце шайбу. Ацэнка мэтаў.
Mikhail: Il dit qu’il comprend et que c’est ce qu’il essaye de faire!
Martin: (smiling thinly) Dis donc, t’es sûr que t’as pas un autre frère? Quelqu’un dans la famille doit bien avoir quelque chose entre les deux oreilles!
Mikhail: Трэнер кажа, што вы родам з таленавітай сям'і. У вас ёсць шмат талентаў. Як вы думаеце, вы можаце зрабіць у гэтым годзе?
Kostitsyn: Я магу адзнака 30 галоў. Можа быць, больш. Я выйграю новы кантракт.
Mikhail: Il est excité. Il pense qu’il peut marquer 30 buts cette saison, peut-être plus. Et il pense qu’il peut signer un nouveau contrat.
Martin: Si tu réussis à marquer trente buts et l’équipe te donne un contrat à long terme, j’pense que j’vais peindre mon cul bleu-blanc-rouge et danser nu sur Ste-Catherine.
Mikhail: Трэнер кажа, што калі вы набралі 30 галоў, ён будзе апранацца ў колеры каманды і вазьму вас да-шоў на Ste.Catherine.
Kostitsyn: (beaming) Скажыце яму, што ён усё яшчэ асла, але я паклаў гнеў у бок і пачаць усё спачатку.
Mikhail: Il dit qu’il va mettre le passé de côté et voudrait faire un nouveau départ, si tu veux.
Martin: I agree. Let's shake on it.

Martin extends his hand and Kostitsyn takes it with a firm shake. The two leave the office with a new understanding. Mikhail takes the elevator to the executive offices.

Mikhail: Sir? I did my best.
Pierre Gauthier: So, they've agreed to let bygones be bygones?
Mikhail: More or less.

Gauthier hands over a thick envelope

Gauthier: Well, you've earned this. You're a bloody genius.
Mikhail: No problem. It's all in the translation.




*Thanks to Naila Jinnah for her French translation.

8 comments:

Topham said...

Hard work.

Naila J. said...

You're most welcome! Hilarious!

Patrick said...

Very funny! Amazing stuff! (Love reading your blog, even in July, even in September, even in August, all year round!)

Patrick Poulin

numerodos said...

I'm french and I had a really good laugh, especially when I pictured JM on St-Catherine...

Raj said...

I bow before you, Ma'am, as always.

dusty said...

I, for one, am pulling for AK46 to score 30 and get that contract, if only to see JM dansing nude with his blue-white-red ass-hole on Ste- Catherine street.

Thanks, I think we all needed a good laugh to balance the Markov situation.

Woodvid said...

Nah, *you're* a bloody genius. ;-)

Anonymous said...

Sami says hilarios!