Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Rookie Camp


8:00am: Breakfast with Canadiens greats Jean Beliveau, Yvan Cournoyer and Dickie Moore. Rookies may enjoy the opportunity to talk with these Hall-of-Fame players, hear their stories about playing for the Canadiens and ask for tips. (Note: future fourth-liners and try-outs may dine with Yvon Lambert instead.) Biosteel protein shakes are optional, no matter what Mike Cammalleri says.

8:45am: Bus to rink.

9:00am: Recitation of The System Prayer. "On my honour, I swear to uphold The System, regardless of whatever temptation I may face to give in to offensive tendencies. I vow to defend my own zone at the peril of goals and to meekly ride the bench if ever I should lose my man and he go on to score. In the name of Jacques Martin, Amen." To be followed by a few moments of reflection on The System.

9:15am: Team White on ice for drills on defensive zone coverage. Team Red in gym for dry-land training. (NOTE: Do NOT pat Brian Gionta on the head, no matter how tempted you may be.)

11:00am: Teams switch, with the exception of any player taller than 6'1". Tall players stay in the gym and continue to "fill out."

12:00pm: Lunch, to be provided at arena.

1:00pm: Classroom sessions. All players must attend at least four.

Session A: How to Act Like You Really Mean to Learn French. Moderated by Scott Gomez.

Session B: When the Guy Who's Helping You Buy Your TV Might Be a Russian Mobster. (Alexander Avtsin attendance mandatory.)

Session C: Is She REALLY 16? Tips For Keeping Your Puck Bunnies Legal.

Session D: This Is a Great Bunch of Guys: Seven Phrases You Can Use to Answer Almost Any Media Query

Session E: Social Media and the Modern Hockey Player. Advice on Keeping Your Mexican Vacation Pics Off the Internet.

Session F: Nutrition. A Brief Introduction to Sushi (An NHLer's Favourite Food, Regardless of Whether He Grew Up On Kraft Dinner) and Related Montreal Area Restaurants.

Session G: Managing Your Finances: Vegas Is Not a Reasonable Investment Solution. Guest Speaker: Jaromir Jagr.

5:00pm: Bus to Bar-B-Barn for dinner. (NOTE: The Guillaume Latendresse Memorial Whole Hawg dinner is on special for the duration of rookie camp.)

6:00pm: Back to rink for evening scrimmage.

6:10pm: First round picks to play one shift, then sit on the bench for the remainder of the scrimmage. (NOTE: Better get used to it early.)

7:30pm: Media session. (Remember, this is a great bunch of guys!)

8:30pm: Evening entertainment

Option A: Sushi and a movie
Option B: Nickelback concert (NOTE: Those choosing this option may be at risk of bad tattoos and failure to complete high school diplomas.)
Option C: Seinfeld reruns with Tomas Plekanec
Option D: Drinking games with Guy Lafleur
Option E: Team bowling with Guy Carbonneau

11:00pm: Lights out. (NOTE: Perry Pearn will be available for lullabies and bedtime hugs if required.)


moeman said...


Anonymous said...

very good!

Raj said...

LOVED IT, JT! (Especially the bit about the "System"...)

Unknown said...

Excellent, very funny stuff yet oddly and sufficiently real at the same time...

Woodvid said...

Awesome, as usual.

Steve said...


Anonymous said...