Friday, December 23, 2011

A Christmas Miracle

The Scene: Bob Gainey's office, seventh floor, Bell Centre. The phone rings.

Gainey: Hello?
Glen Sather: Bob? It's Slats.
Gainey: Oh, hello, Glen. How are you doing?
Sather: Fine, fine. Listen, Bob?
Gainey: Yes, Glen?
Sather: I've...been going through some things. All that drinking we did back in the '70s? Well, it stuck with me. I couldn't shake it. You've seen some of the contracts I've handed out, right? Well, that was the booze signing those deals. No...don't interrupt. It's okay now. I'm doing the twelve-step thing, and I'm at the part where I have to make ammends. I can't, in good conscience, keep Ryan McDonagh. We were drinking, I bought the last round and...well, it wasn't well done of me. I took advantage and stuck you with Gomez, so I shouldn't have stolen McDonagh as well. Listen. I'm trading him back to you for a seventh, okay?
Gainey: Um, okay. But you'll have to clear it with Pierre first.
Sather:(laughing) Yeah, right. So, we've got a deal?
Gainey: Of course!

An hour later, Gainey's phone rings again:

Gainey: Yes?
Scott Gomez: Bob? Hi. It's Scott.
Gainey: Hello, Scott. How's your recouperation going?
Gomez: Well, here's the thing, Bob. I've found Jesus.
Gainey: What? Was he missing? Ha ha.
Gomez: No, seriously, Bob. My new physio has shown me the light. He says we've all got to be responsible for what we take from the world, and make sure we give the same back. I'm taking too much, Bob. I need to retire from hockey and start giving something back.
Gainey: Seriously? You want to retire?
Gomez: It's the right thing to do. Hockey's been great, and I've earned a lot of money playing it, but it's time for me to be the giver, not the taker. I know this is hard for you to hear Bob, but I'm going to have to leave Montreal.
Gainey: ALL RIGHT!!...I mean, right is important. As in, the right thing. Scott, I'm proud of you. Do the what's right for you.
Gomez: Thanks, Bob. You're like a second dad.

A little later, the phone rings again:

Gainey, warily: Hello?
Sidney Crosby: Hi, Bob? It's Sidney.
Gainey: Sidney! How's your recovery going?
Crosby: I'm ready to go, Bob. But, you know what? I don't know how much time I might have left in the league, and I want to play where my heart is. I mean, I love Pittsburgh because they drafted me, and Mario's been really great. I won the Cup here. But my heart's always been in Montreal. I love the Habs and I want to end my career there, no matter how long I've got left.
Gainey: Well, Sid, that's great. But we just don't have the assets to trade for you.
Crosby: It's okay. My lawyers say the Pens didn't take proper care of my health and we have a helluva lawsuit here. They're willing to let me go for a token return.
Gainey: Yeah, right. Like,say, Diaz?
Crosby: Well, you'll have to do better than that, but if you sign and trade Kostitsyn, that might work. They need wingers for Geno.
Gainey: Thanks, Sid. I'll get on it.

Larry Carriere: Bob? Hi. It's Larry. I've...found something.
Gainey: You found something?
Carriere: Yeah. It's kind of weird.
Gainey: What do you mean?
Carriere: I found an old fax machine. Probably 20 years old. But there was a piece of paper stuck in it.
Gainey: So?
Carriere: Um, yeah. It's a contract. It says Scotty Bowman agrees to be GM and coach of the Canadiens until otherwise notified.
Gainey: Seriously? Is it signed?
Carriere: Yup. If we want to push it, he's ours.
Gainey: Push it.

And so, the Canadiens suddenly freed up seven million in cap space, which enabled them to sign Shea Weber. They traded a seventh-round pick to get Ryan McDonagh back. They traded a fifth and Andrei Kostitsyn for Sidney Crosby and they signed Scotty Bowman as GM and coach. The next season, they won the Stanley Cup and all their fans rejoiced.

And that, my friends, is my Christmas miracle story for you.

Merry Christmas, happy Hannukah and a very happy holiday for you who celebrate a different tradition. I'll see you for the tank in 2012.


BaruCH said...

Thanks JT, that's just what I needed right now, seeing as all rational options for Habs redemption seem to be foreclosed for the year. Keep the great , thoughtful writing coming, all the best for the holidays.

Anonymous said...

Ah to dream..........
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
thanks for all the posts I really enjoy them.

Anonymous said...

You wanted To re-sign Markov and you want Sid too?

the Maritimer said...

J.T., really enjoyed the miracle, especially the part about Sid and Shea.

I'm not crazy about Scotty returning though. I'm still scared he'll lose it and trade the rights to Lafleur.

Merry Christmas!

Anonymous said...

Merry Christmas, Leigh Anne.

You're still at the top of Santa's list when it comes to writing insightful posts about the Montreal Canadiens. Your thoughtful, honest and heartfelt threads always give pause to ponder.

Thanks for all the time and effort you put into your website.

Steve (24 Cups)

Anonymous said...

hahaha love it

dusty said...

Thanks, JT for your insights and humor. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and yours.

Back to reality.

PG's phone rings.
Pierre: Allo.
Markov: I found some bone chips in my other knee. I won't be ready until the Worlds or until you trade me. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

Merry Christmas, J.T! Thanks for the best Habs-related reading out there. I hope at least some of your proposed Christmas miracle comes true.

j8mckenzie said...

awesome. but if gomez retired, wouldn't his salary still count against the cap?

Anonymous said...

Ha ha ha! Thanks for the reading throughout the year, you're the best!

dusty said...

Looking at the starting lineups for the Sens game, Ottawa is better than Montreal at every position except goal.

While PG was busy locking up Kaberle, the Senators got Kyle Turris. I'm betting PG never even considered a trade for Turris. The Habs are loaded at center, right?

dusty said...

Thank you Craig, thank you very much.

dusty said...

The Habs just played their best game in recent memory and lost. What a shame. How is that Hab castoffs always look so good in other uniforms. J.T. Wyman scores his first to spark a comeback and assists on the winner. How can that happen?

Montreal resembles the New York Islanders right about now. The Habs are opening up and are fun to watch but the team can't win because the owner and his management staff are wacko.