Tuesday, October 25, 2011

A Cry In the Wilderness

Photo courtesy of Josie Gold.

The Scene: A lonely mountain top, somewhere in downtown Montreal. A weary pilgrim beseeches his Lord for answers.

Jacques Martin: Lord, I have arrived at the end of my rope. I need answers, and I need them soon, or I will lose the only job I ever really wanted.


Martin: Lord. I beg you to give me the answers I need. I'm listening.

Wind whistling

Martin: (nearly shouting) Lord! Can't you hear me?! I'm a desperate man!

The Almighty: Yes, Jacques, I can hear you. (sighs)
Martin: Oh, thank...well...You.
The Almighty: So, Jacques, what exactly do you want Me to do for you?
Martin: Well, Lord, I've lost control of my team. I need to know how to get them to listen again.
The Almighty: Jacques, did I not give you Erik Cole?
Martin: Yes, Lord, but...
The Almighty: NO BUTS! (lightning flashes) I gave you my son Erik because he will drive the net and help insulate your small forwards. Yet, instead of using him for the purpose for which I created him, you are wasting him on the bench.
Martin: Oh Lord, but Mathieu Darche...
The Almighty: SILENCE! Mathieu Darche is a loyal and industrious servant, but when I was giving out talent, he was in the looks line. He does the best he can with what he's got, but you can't replace Me-given talent. Look what happened when you actually put Cole on the power play last night.
Martin: Lord, our defence is so depleted, there's not much I could do...
The Almighty: Excuses, Jacques! Every team's got injuries. Look at the Penguins. My son Sidney and most of his talented cohort were missing when you played them, but they controlled the play because they all know what they're supposed to do. Communication, Jacques. Did I not give you a brain and a tongue?
Martin: It's not my fault we're shorthanded so often, though, Lord.
The Almighty: You can't pass the buck on this one. You've already taken three too-many men penalties. That's because My children have no clue when they're supposed to be on the ice, or who they're supposed to be on with. If you stop scrambling the lines like eggs, you might see a difference in these things.
Martin: Lord, I'm trying to put the right forwards out there, but they keep shooting right into the goalie. I don't know how to make them score.
The Almighty: I know it's difficult for you to admit you don't know something. In this case, only I know the answer. It turns out goalies pray more.
Martin: Praying might help us?
The Almighty: Not really. It gets repetitive. Look, Jacques. You're asking a fast, skilled and not overly physical team to play a dump-and-chase, shutdown game. Let Me see, how can I explain this? It's like asking the Queen to mud wrestle.
Martin: Oh.
The Almighty: Yes. Oh. Now, there's nothing more I can do for you today. I've got an urgent call from Ilya Bryzgalov.
Martin: Lord?
The Almighty: (sighs) Yes, Jacques?
Martin: Um, is there any chance I can save my job?
The Almighty: There is a chance. All things are possible with Me. You must repent and put The System behind you. You must use the players I have given you properly and you must lay off the Brylcreem. It went out in the '60s.
Martin: Yes Lord. I'll try.
The Almighty: Do that Jacques. Oh, and Jacques?
Martin: Yes, Lord?
The Almighty: I'm...uh...sorry about the ears. That was an accident. Good luck!


Unknown said...

J.T., you need to be paid to write this stuff. This is amazing. Asking the Queen to mud wrestle.

GG11 (are you still GG?), another great 'shop. I am continually impressed.

Habziefan09 said...

lmaooooooo that was so awesome!!!! Great piece!

Anonymous said...

Martin looks kinda good with hair, actually, but the ear comment is distasteful.

As for the Cole on the powerplay goal, it was a garbage goal.

GoldenGirl11 said...

The brill cream killed!

Thanks ezz, it's still me.

Steve said...

great JT and GG looks like the cover from a dystopian novel, how fitting. I second the brycleam cracking me up.

Anonymous said...

Simply fantastic JT. Thanks for the laugh....now time to start looking at prospective NHL coaches...that *sigh* can speak French...although, I'm not sure there are even any qualified coaches that don't.

Anonymous said...

That French thing gets old, fast. Five out of eight teams that made it to the playoffs last year were French-speaking. FIVE.

I say we definitely hire a francophone!!!!

dusty said...

Funniest post ever. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

JM is such fertile ground for humor, I think I'll miss all the laughs he inspires when he finally gets canned. For the player's sake I hope it's soon.

Anonymous said...

J.T. thanks so much for staying with the blog,we would be lost without you.
Me-given talent=priceless !!!!!!
I am still laughing about that one, what else can we do but laugh.
As we all know crying doesn't help or work.

North Coast Hab said...

This is my first visit to your blog but I will be back all season long regardless of how bad the Habs get.

Someday I hope my new blog will be as slick and well visited as yours. GO HABS GO!

Anonymous said...

One win and seven losses. 29th place. Extrapolated they will finish with 40 points. Is it possible to get the first, second, and third choices in the draft by setting new records for futility?

I think the sign to watch for is Gauthier trading the Habs 2012 first rounder for an oft injured, under achieving, scoring whiz. Then we will know it is done, finally over, nothing left but the fans wandering away.

Football is a nice game.

WinterLions said...

Heavenly. Although I highly doubt Martin believes in god. Systems such as the Big Bang have more to do with...

Solid work. Look fwd to your next post.

Vancouver Hab said...

Utterly glorious! I hope they give you Jack Todd's job (he ain't using it ;--)

moeman said...

I will know quit my day job and become a disciple of J.T.

dwgs said...

My wife teases me constantly about my big sticky-out ears and I laughed at the ear joke.
Anon @4:o4, correlation does not imply causation.

Anonymous said...

Martin a NHL head coach for most of those 27 last years in the league and NEVER ONCE took his team as the Stanley Cup Finals series let alone win a Cup.

Canadiens with a GM Gauthier who in close to 30 years in the NHL as either GM or Assistant GM for Quebec, Ottawa, Anaheim twice and Montreal, Gauthier too has never been with a team that got as far as the Stanley Cup Finals series in any year he was with them.

Molson must clean house of this Gauthier, Gainey and Martin clique.

dusty said...

Hab fans have waited 5 years for Emelin and now that he's finally here, JM sends him to the press box to fatten up on hotdogs before he returns to the KHL. Or maybe he's being protected from injury while PG shops him for a late round pick next year.

Without Pronger, Richards, Carter and Carcillo the Flyers aren't that scary, so maybe the Habs can get a win tonight. If the Habs win I'll be happy but if they lose I won't be that upset because they aren't going anywhere as they are presently constituted. A loss may hasten the decisions needed to improve the team so that may not be such a bad thing. If healthy, our beloved Habs are a bubble team, so really there's nothing to be gained by continuing in the current direction. A change in management is necessary. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

Anonymous said...

And this was the easy part of the schedule.

Lost twice to playoff missing Toronto, Colorado, Calgary, Florida while lone win against playoff missing Winnipeg. Lost to playoff Penguins who were missing Crosby, Malkin and Letang and also lost to playoff Sabres.

This 8 and a half yesrs of blundering by Gainey who is still there and Gauthier has produced next to nothing but mediocrity in 8.5 years save Halak one spring winning 2 seven game series by standing on his head.

Molson clean house! Fire Gainey, Gauthier, Boivin's son and Martin now like you should have done the day you bought the team.

End this now! Stop the bleeding!

Anonymous said...

I always swing by to read your articles, especially after a loss. It's one of the only things that makes me feel better!

dusty said...

Perry Pearn fired by PG. I was thinking the Habs had hit rock bottom. I guess not.

Pearn may be the lucky one and get a better job. I'm sure other organizations will be interested. I think he did a good job in New York.

dusty said...

Weber's goal may well have saved the season for the Habs. They looked done until 19:58. And a special thank you to Grabovski for taking out Pronger. The Flyers aren't the same without him.

Now, if they can sweep the Bruins...