Monday, January 17, 2011

A Breakthrough

Fans had a lot of questions after Saturday's game against the Rangers. For example, where did that PP come from? And, what the hell happened in the third? Over coffee Sunday morning, though, just about everyone wondered what Jacques Martin said to get Andrei Kostitsyn back on track. It's public knowledge the kindly old coach called the talented-but-inconsistent galoot into his office for a private heart-to-heart last week. Kostitsyn came out against the Rangers with his best effort in weeks, didn't take any dumb penalties and scored the game-winner. When asked afterwards what had happened in that meeting, Martin just smiled his Mona Lisa smile and said that was between Kostitsyn and himself.

Not quite, Jacques.

The Scene: Jacques Martin's office, Brossard training complex.

Andrei Kostitsyn: Coach? You want me?
Kirk Muller: Hi Andrei. Coach'll be here in a minute. Come in and have a seat.

A couple of minutes of awkward silence ensue.

Muller: So, Andrei, how're you feeling?
Kostitsyn: Feel good.
Muller: Good. Good. Oh, hey, Andrei, check out the new pocket watch I got. These things are really making a comeback.
Kostitsyn: Nice. Patek?
Muller: Yeah! Good eye. Look at the weight of this thing.

Swings watch

Muller: Andrei, you look kind of sleepy. Are you feeling sleepy? Your eyes are getting heavy. Listen to my voice, Andrei.
Kostitsyn: I am listened.
Muller: Okay Andrei. Here's what you need to do. Skate hard every time you're on the ice. Got that?
Kostitsyn: Skate...hard.
Muller: You have a hell of a shot. Shoot the puck every chance you get.
Kostitsyn: Shoot puck.
Muller: If you do both of those things, you will score a lot of goals.
Kostitsyn: Score goals.
Muller: Here comes Jacques. You will listen to him and answer his questions now.

Martin enters.

Martin: Kirky. Andrei. Thanks for coming. Now, Andrei, we really need to get a couple of things clear here. You haven't scored in a month. What do you think you need to do better out there?
Kostitsyn: Skate...hard.
Martin: Well, that's a great start for sure. That's not enough, though. You really need to...
Kostitsyn: Shoot puck.
Martin: Yeah. And...
Kostitsyn: Score goals.
Martin: That would be nice. About the bad penalties you've been taking. I've watched the tapes and you've taken those when you stop skating. You need to really...
Kostitsyn: Skate hard.
Martin: Ah...yes. That's what I was going to say. Well, that's about it, really.

Glances at Muller

Martin: (aside to Muller) Ah, Kirky? Did you do the watch thing before I got here?

Muller nods sheepishly

Martin: Andrei, when you score goals, you will be happier than you ever were in your life. You will yell like Tarzan.
Kostitsyn: Score goals. Happy.
Martin: Now, cluck like a chicken.
Kostitsyn: Squawwwwwk.
Muller: Hell, Jacques. Why do you always make them do that? It's so cliche.
Martin: Yeah, but it's funny. Go ahead and snap him out of it now.
Muller: Okay, Andrei. When I snap my fingers, you will wake up refreshed and ready to skate hard and score goals. You will be happy.(Martin mumbles something) You have never met anybody called Pasquale. Oh, and lay off the cologne. You smell like an explosion in an Old Spice factory. Now, wake up.

Kostitsyn blinks and looks at Martin

Kostitsyn: Coach. You want talk to me?
Martin: No, Andrei. Everything's fine. Go out and have a great game tonight.
Kostitsyn: (looking more bemused than usual) Okay, Coach. (leaves)
Martin: Well, do you think he got the message?
Muller: We'll see how he does tomorrow night. But, yes, I think he absorbed some of it.
Martin: You're a gem, Kirky. If you could only speak French...Oh well, we won't talk about that.
Muller: Ha ha. Not funny. I'd better get out for practice. Somebody's got to make a game plan around here. (leaves)

In the room next door, Perry Pearn drops the glass he had pressed against the wall to listen

Pearn: Skate...hard. Shoot puck. Score goals. Happy.

The Scene: Saturday night, post game. Reporters crowd around Kostitsyn's stall.

Reporter: Andrei, you had quite a game tonight. What did you do differently?
Kostitsyn: Skate hard.
Reporter: How did the goal happen?
Kostitsyn: Shoot puck. Score goal.
Reporter: You looked happier than we've ever seen you after that goal. Was it a relief to score after so long?
Kostitsyn: Always happy when score goals.

Muller and Martin listen from the coach's office

Martin: Well, I think that worked out well, Kirky. We'll have to see what you can do with Gomez.
Muller: No problem, Jacques. Oh, and Jacques?
Martin: Yes?
Muller: "Sasquatch"
Martin: You're my daddy, Kirk.
Muller: Thaaaat's right. Good job, Jacques.

Perry Pearn, alone in his office, stares blankly at the wall.

Pearn: Skate...hard. Shoot puck. Score goals. Happy.


moeman said...


Anonymous said...

I wish to God the English-Canadians would get over the French thing. It really gets old and whiny. Especially those that bring it up over and over again while living their lives in a province outside of Quebec. Ahem.

Love your story by the way, totally hilarious. Let's just leave the language thing out. Very sorry that people here in Canada have such a divide over language. It's shallow and sad. Rise about Canada!

punkster said...


Anonymous said...

I think if we could leave the language thing out we would have a better coach and a better team.

Hilarious post. If it was only that easy.

zaskar said...

Sasquatch!!!!! Love it.

Jay in PA said...

Squaaaaawk! I love it!

Anonymous said...

Now if he could just dangle his watch in front of a few fans and press...

Anonymous said...

How would you have a better team? And if Kirky is the brains behind it all, why are you complaining? Geez, whiny Canadians!